SELF PORTRAIT                         

 

With a contradiction

Is how

It begins

Reaching deep

Into

Days

Hours

And lives

Flashing by

Some lives lost

Loves lost

While others

Remain in flower

 

Now

There are bits and pieces of you

All over these pages

Now

I will love you forever

Hope you don’t mind

Of course

It doesn’t matter if you do

That is the beautiful thing

About wanting nothing

Or as they say in the field

Nothingness

 

Let’s go back further

The brothers at sea

Yelling

“Do you hearrrr ME!”

Some comments are never forgotten

“He’s no normal white man

He might be some kind of fucked up

Canadian white man

But he’s no normal white man.”

If they only knew

I will tell the truth now

There wasn’t a ghost in my room

But…

I enjoyed the rapt attention

Of course

I neglected to mention

I replaced the dead guy

I know

Everybody knows

You guys killed him

And, I will tell you now fellas

That guy did not have to die

I cannot say he shouldn’t have

I do not know that

Only

He did not have to

He had a wife…children

The FBI was asking me about it

In my room

“What do you know?”

They looked at Storm’s photo

“What a beautiful dog.”

I wanted to say…

Do you think

I do not see through your childish ploy

To get me talking

Telling you what I have figured out

Over a five-month sea voyage

I can tell you now

It almost worked

I have always been a fool

When it comes to talking about my dogs

 

Another comment

 

“This is how they do you in the pen.”

As he played with his belt buckle in the bright sunlight

I sat on an overturned five-gallon bucket

Looking on – wheels turning –while waiting for the pilot

I guess in the sunlight and silence

We both knew

He was looking into his future

 

Yet another comment

 

“Bos’n, you cannot do this on your own

You need a friend”

Enter Charles

Charles and I would sit up on the bow

Beneath a canopy of stars

In the middle of the wide open deep ocean

Making way

Smoking

And talking about stuff

He was my friend

Sitting at the dock in New Orleans

I yelled at him across decks

“Charles, I am walking to the store

Be back in an hour”

He looked at me – we locked eyes

And he slowly shook his head

 

Let’s jump up here again and move back further

She stood facing the window

Slowly taking off her shirt

Reaching behind her she undid the clasp

All fell to the floor

She slowly turned around

Revealing

The one-quarter inch thick fresh scar that ran from just above her naval

Up between her breasts

To a spot a couple inches below her throat

She softly touched the spot between her breasts while looking at me

“It’s no good”

But, this is all becoming sad

Here give me your hand

Let’s go back yet further

 

“Stop!”

Now this!

Is one of my favorite spots!

The overturned boats on the beach

Muffling our laughs into each others shoulders as we listen to couples

Walking by in the night

I know there is someone

On the other side of the pond

Probably reading these words

Laughing

While saying, “OH MY GAWD!

 

Some lives lost

Loves lost

While others remain in flower

We are moving forward now

Some things

Take a long time to grow

I never would have believed

How long

And others

Shoot…

They just never take hold

One of my favorite quotes

Of all time

Magic Johnson

After being told he had tested positive

For the AIDS virus

Shoot

“Things be that way sometimes.”